We live in a world where the word "motivation" is heard far too often
We are taught to get motivated, build discipline, charge up, never give up. Inspiration is sold as the fuel for a new life.
And yet inside, things get stuck, stall, resist. A person looks at themselves and thinks: "If only I had the motivation, I would have changed everything by now."
But the truth is that motivation alone does not save anyone. After years of work in Gestalt therapy and coaching, I see the same thing over and over: motivation flares up fast, like a match, but rarely stays warm for long. Awareness, contact with yourself, action and responsibility - those are what truly change a life.
What motivation actually is
Most people understand motivation as an emotional surge. Lit up - you run. Burned out - you stop.
But in a psychological sense, motivation is energy directed toward satisfying a need. Contact with the need means movement. No contact - no energy.
The problem most often is not that there is no motivation. The problem is that a person is not hearing what they truly want.
They might say:
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"I want to earn more money"
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"I want to lose weight"
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"I want to change jobs"
But if what lies behind it is not a genuine living need but an introject - "I should", "it's the right thing", "people expect it of me" - the organism will not sustain that energy for long. The body does not run on other people's expectations.
External and internal motivation
External motivation - money, status, praise, likes - works until the first real stress. While things go smoothly, it holds. The moment tension rises, the energy drops.
Internal motivation has a different nature. It is born from values: "This matters to me." "I choose to live this way."
When a goal aligns with your values, motivation stops being a task. It becomes a natural extension of who you are. But even internal motivation does not guarantee action.
Why motivation is often not enough
This is a simple yet hard fact: motivation does not equal action. You can want something and still not do it. You can feel inspired and still not change your life.
For change to begin, you need not only the energy of desire but also will - an inner decision.
And here a paradox appears, confirmed both by practice and by behavioral psychology research: action creates motivation, not the other way around.
Once the first step is taken, the brain receives a completion signal and a sense of "I can" appears. Small wins create a dopamine impulse. Energy starts to grow.
The Gestalt view: where energy gets lost
In the Gestalt approach we speak of the contact cycle: sensation - awareness - mobilisation - action - contact - satisfaction - assimilation.
When someone complains of lacking motivation, the cycle is breaking down somewhere. Often:
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There is no clear awareness of the real underlying need.
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Mobilisation is blocked by anxiety or fear.
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Action is stopped by perfectionism.
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Satisfaction is not taken in: "it's nothing really", "anyone could have done that".
A sense of powerlessness then sets in. In coaching, as in the Gestalt approach overall, we do not "switch motivation on" - we restore contact with yourself.
When a person can clearly see what they are doing, what they feel, and why, movement arises naturally. Not under pressure, but from clarity.
The secondary gain of having no motivation
Sometimes the absence of motivation is protecting something important.
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If I don't start - I don't risk failing.
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If I don't lose weight - I don't have to face the shame.
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If I don't develop - I don't have to handle the competition.
The absence of movement preserves a familiar identity. And the honest question is: "What is my inaction protecting me from?"
When this secondary gain becomes conscious, the tension shifts. The possibility of choice appears.
Discipline as the adult form of self-love
Motivation is a flame. Discipline is a fire.
Real discipline does not come from self-punishment but from respect for your own choice.
Sometimes it is simpler than that. You made a decision and you keep holding it, even when your mood shifts. Today you don't feel like it. Doubts have crept in. Tiredness. But you remember why you started. And you take a step. Because this matters to you.
Emotions can change every day. Life goals - less often. And if you already know this is your path, you continue. Without drama or strain. You simply continue.
That is the adult position: acting not from mood, but from inner grounding.
The paradoxical theory of change
In Gestalt there is a phrase that explains a great deal: a person changes not when they try to become someone else, but when they accept themselves as they are right now.
When you honestly meet your own unwillingness, fear, tiredness, resistance - a new movement appears inside. Inner motivation is often born at exactly this point - when you stop forcing yourself and start listening.
Examples from coaching practice
Career change
Point A: a man of 35. Stable job in IT, good salary. Everything looks fine from the outside. Inside - emptiness. Every morning like Groundhog Day. Irritation with tasks, cynicism toward projects, envy of people who "burn for what they do".
He says: "I guess I just lack motivation." He tries reading inspiring books, watching videos, making plans. It lasts a week. Then apathy again.
Gradually in our work we stop looking for motivation and start asking questions:
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What happens if nothing changes?
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How much longer are you willing to live like this?
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What are you losing by staying here?
At first he defends himself: "it's not that bad really", "I just need to be patient". Then anger appears. Then exhaustion. And only then - a sentence spoken almost in a whisper: "I don't want to live like this anymore."
That was scarier than changing jobs. Because behind that sentence stood the risk of losing stability, status, his family's approval.
We were not looking for inspiration. We were holding the anxiety. Looking at real numbers. Discussing risks. Calculating a financial cushion. Checking alternatives.
Point B: quiet clarity. A direction to move in appeared. A transition plan without sudden leaps emerged. He started learning in a new field, talking to people in the industry, testing the format alongside his main job.
The energy came back not from motivation, but from the disappearance of inner conflict. When "I have to" stopped suppressing "I don't want to", a great deal of strength was freed up.
What worked: not slogans and not discipline through force, but an honest meeting with reality and consistent steps despite the anxiety.
Working with weight
Point A: a woman of 29. Years of dieting. Strict control - then breakdowns. After a breakdown - shame, self-criticism, the promise to "start fresh on Monday".
Every time she starts with motivation: a new plan, a new tracker, a new mindset. For a few days she holds on through willpower. Then the tension builds and a breakdown happens. She says: "I just don't have enough motivation."
The real problem is not motivation. The problem is that motivation is being used as a way to control herself.
When we start working together, the focus shifts. Not to "how do I strengthen the desire to lose weight", but to "what is happening in those moments when I want to eat and it's not hunger".
Gradually it becomes visible: food relieves anxiety, loneliness, anger. The diet intensifies the tension. The stricter the control, the stronger the inner resistance.
The turning point comes when she stops starting "on Monday" and says for the first time: "I'm tired of fighting myself."
From that moment the strategy changes. Instead of another motivational attempt - observation. Instead of a strict ban - a pause and the question: "What am I feeling right now?"
Point B: eating becomes calmer. No strict diets. No heroic sprints. Weight comes off gradually. But the main thing - she no longer lives from one flare of motivation to the next breakdown. Energy comes not from a "charge" but from a reduction in inner conflict.
What worked: not amplifying motivation, but refusing to make it the main tool. When the war with herself disappeared, discipline became gentler and more sustainable.
Relationships
Point A: a man of 40. In his relationship he feels a constant responsibility for his partner's emotional state. He supports, explains, smooths over conflicts, takes on too much. If she is struggling - he looks for a solution. If tension arises - he is the first to make peace.
From the outside it looks like care. Inside - exhaustion, irritation, and a feeling that he himself barely exists.
He says: "I need to be stronger. I need more resilience." He tries to "work on himself", reads about maturity, about boundaries, motivates himself to be firmer. It works for a few days. Then the rescuing switches back on automatically.
The problem is not a lack of motivation. The problem is that he cannot hold the anxiety.
Behind his "care" was a fear: if I stop holding the situation together, I won't be loved. If I stop rescuing, I will be bad.
The turning point came not when he decided to "become strong", but when he held a pause for the first time. Did not rush to rescue. Did not smooth things over. Felt the anxiety, the fear, the tension - and stayed in contact.
We explored where this role came from. In which earlier relationships he learned to be "the one who holds it all together". What price he pays for this position.
Gradually the ability appears to say simple things:
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"I'm struggling right now."
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"I'm not ready to take that on."
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"That is your responsibility."
Point B: the relationship has more reality and less control. He no longer lives from one attempt to "become better" to the next. The chronic tension lifts. Self-respect appears.
What helped: not the motivation to "change" and not techniques of influence, but becoming aware of the fear of losing contact and developing the ability to hold that without fleeing into rescuing.
When the need to prove his worth through the Rescuer role disappeared, energy returned naturally.
What actually works
Motivation matters. But it becomes sustainable when:
- 1 The goal is connected to your values.
- 2 You understand why you are doing it.
- 3 You act even without an emotional high.
- 4 You lean on discipline.
- 5 You take responsibility for your choice.
- 6 You are in contact with yourself, not at war with yourself.
If you feel that your energy is getting interrupted somewhere in your life, do not rush to find a new charge of inspiration. It may be worth exploring where you lost contact with yourself.
That is where the real work begins. And that is exactly where lasting change appears.